Bad days

It seems like as soon as things start to look like they're getting a bit better (in general, not just with food although that's what it's usually about), they suddenly come crashing down.

 

Today was my last family therapy session at the day program, and it was supposed to be a positive time, seeing how far I'd come over the last 4 months or so. I was supposed to be weighed on Friday, my last official day of the program but when I got there today suddenly my parents decided to make me get weighed.

 

I didn’t want to get weighed today, not because of any anorexic reason, but my parents thought that it was just because of anxiety about the number that I was not wanting to get weighed. I actually didn't want to because I then spend the whole day wondering what I did/didn’t do to make that number happen, and I was already feeling sick and didn’t really want to deal with it today.

 

Anyway I tried explaining this but my parents didn’t want to listen and just said: "either you get weighed now or you don’t get to play sport for two weeks. Decide now or that’s it." This made me super upset because getting weighed didn’t have anything to do with food or exercise, I feel like they just use food and exercise to get me to do what they want because they know id rather do anything than have more food or no exercise. This wasn't an anorexia issue, it was about my parents trusting that had good reason not to get weighed today! 

 

So now its really awkward with my parents because I told them I hate them etc. I don’t mean that now but at the time I feel so trapped and it makes me think of doing harmful things to myself (sorry to be a downer) and just giving up on recovery all together. After all the challenges I've overcome this past few months they still don’t trust me to make my own decisions and I'm almost 18. Plus, I really don't think that they can punish me for something I am supposed to have the choice over anyway (you're medically responsible for yourself at 16 unless you can't make the right decisions for yourself, as is the case when you're consumed by anorexia). 

 

I guess I'm just sick of other people telling me what to do all the time, I just need time to be left alone sometimes. Then people would see that I have resolved that I can't lose weight if I want to have a family someday and have a social life etc. which I really do. Sorry about the rant but yeah.

 

Photos! 

I'm not a school bathroom selfie kind of girl but since my dad took down my mirror to stop me looking at it all the time it's the only full size mirror I have, and I don't want to go to my family "hey can you take a photo of me" so yeah this is the best I've got :)

Mum gave me so much pasta! Freaked out a bit but got through it :)

I think I'm getting better

I know I've been the worst blogger ever in the past few months and haven't really given this thing my best shot but I've been dealing with stuff that is more important that writing posts. 

This Friday is my last day at a day program, after 14 long weeks. The program was so hard with food of course but also because I missed out a term of school in my final year :( it's been pretty hard trying to keep up with everyone else but I'll get there eventually (I hope!)

Even though I didn't really like the program itself, I was with a really supportive group of girls who are all super keen to recover and get their lives back! At the beginning to be honest I didn't really want to recover, I was just going to the program because my parents made me and I was still 7 kilos below my goal weight. 

They made us eat the hardest foods too! We had pizza, burgers and chips, subway with 4 meats, cheese and mayonnaise, doner kebabs, kfc etc, huge chocolate muffins etc. it has been the most upsetting and hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I still would never  choose to eat any of those foods, but at least I know now that if I ever have to eat them I will be ok :)

I also conquered a major challenge the other night at my friends 18th birthday party. I chose to eat ice cream cake and nobody was watching me. I could've said no and I really wanted to but I wanted to do it for my friend because she had made te cake herself. (I shared this slice with a friend)

And in the meantime I have reached my goal weight! While I hate being at this weight and I feel disgusting all the time for eating and not exercising I am coming to terms with the fact that this is the weight I need to be in order to be healthy.

I am now able to overcome the thoughts a lot of the time and I think a major part of this has been getting a bit of my social life back again and realising that if my friends can have pizza and ice cream than it must be ok for me to eat it too if I wanted it. For the first time in 2 years in not trying to lose weight and I am not measuring every little piece of food an exercising whenever I get the chance, and I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. I thought I'd share my progress over the past 15 weeks with you: 

And at goal weight: