Road to Recovery: I want to recover but I don't...

I am so confused at the moment. I really do want to recover, but at the same time I want to be healthy and mum reckons that for me being recovered means not wanting to eat healthy....

I've become so used to the way things work having an eating disorder now that I don't think I know how to do anything else anymore...even if I wanted to, I just wouldn't know where to start or when to stop.

I feel like for months I've just been stuck in the same place and I've been trying to tell my parents that I feel like I might need some more help. I went to hospital for five weeks at the beginning of this year but that was just to make me gain weight really quickly using a nasal tube and they didn't halo us on the mental side at all which didn't help anything because it means most people end up losing most if not more than the weight they gained again.

I have managed to stay at a reasonably stable weight this year (within a 3 kilo range) but still this is only just not underweight and a few kilos away from my goal weight. I don't know why I find it so hard to gain those last few kilos...actually I do. If I am at goal weight it will feel like I have failed anorexia, which should be a good thing but it feels like I put so much effort into this thing and it does make me feel better about my body when I restrict, however I know that this is not healthy and will only lead to eventual death.

Anyway, at the moment I only have a hospital appointment once a month where they check my weight and stuff and one therapy session a month for an hour. After a year the thoughts haven't really changed and I'm starting to think I need some more help... My parents don't want me to go anywhere else which I do get and id rather just do it at home too but I also don't want to have this hold me back when I'm going to uni and stuff in

2016.

Anyway, sorry I haven't posted in ages, Christmas time is always really busy in my family. Lots of present buying and family get togethers. I'll try and fill you in on all my Christmas details soon :)

So bloated!!!! :O