Internal Filter

Hey guys, 

Hope everyone is doing well and having fun in the lead up to Christmas. I have so many presents to buy and not enough time! :O

The unfortunate thing about Christmas for someone with anorexia is that it often involves lots of decadent feasts...but I guess it's also the perfect time to challenge myself and overcome fears.

Once you have realised that you have an eating disorder and you do want it to go away, it doesn't automatically stop. The thoughts still come, sometimes even stronger than before because they're angry you're saying no. And people think it's just at meal times that it's there, but that's only scraping the surface.

It's constant. Walking past a mirror, window or train door. Standing or sitting. Wondering how many calories are being burned and if there is anything you can do to make more burn off. Being so tired but keeping on exercising because you think you have to. Sitting down to do your homework but not being able to concentrate because you're more concerned with jiggling your leg as fast as you can...

All this on top of having to eat 6 times a day is tough, and there are so many times we have to try and overcome them. I pretty much have to set up an internal filter that is sort of like a balance in my head. I need to take a step back, think about the pros and cons, and ask myself why I am thinking the way that I am before I can/cannot eat whatever it is. This is really hard sometimes when my parents are just yelling "just do what you're told" and I try to tell them I'm trying to process it and work it out in my head but then they just say "you can't work it out, just do it." 

They think that when I'm thinking it's just the anorexia telling me all the bad things about eating it, but the opposite is true. Those thoughts come straight away, it's the good ones I need time to get into my head, because they don't come automatically. 

Exams in 6 days :( ... But only just over two weeks until summer holidays for six weeks!!! Woohoooo so much beach and relaxing but also a lot of school work... 

Have a lovely day and I'll be back soon xx :D

On the train, my favourite plae to blog haha not really just the only place I have time.