Photos

I just had a pretty emotional experience with getting a family photo taken. It's my grandmas 70th birthday and we're getting a photo book made for her but mum didn't have a recent family photo. 

Ever since I got anorexia, I have hated photos, unless they make me look really thin compared to everyone else. After gaining a lot of weight since my lowest weight, I have this feeling that I am fat, especially my face which I hate because it is really round :( 

Sash anyway I pretty much just broke down after seeing the photo...I just pretty much base the way other people percieve me completely on looks and how thin I am, even though in reality they probably couldn't care less :) 

I mean, I know my arms are not big at all, but also two of my really good friends who I sit between are really naturally thin, which makes me jealous because they eat whatever they want and are so thin, even more than me and I still have to put on more weight 😫 

I jus keep trying to remind myself that if that's what my body needs I have to respect that and listen to it. It's so easy to lose sight of that though

Day 5 - How do you want to be remembered?

Well, this is morbid 😒 haha 😜

Um... As I am a ruthless teenager, I haven't really though about how I want to be remembered, as of course I will never die 😃

But seriously, my friends mum recently died which sort of brought up the topic of death at school. I want to be remembered as someone who made other people happy. I think it's not about how many people remember you, but how the people you love most remember you 🌹

In terms of physically, I want to donate my organs and be either cremated with a little plaque at a cemetery or buried under a big oak tree somewhere. I hate cemeteries! I don't want to remember someone I love as being in the ground! I want to remember all the happy times 

This picture looked happy so i put it in. It's this light show called vivid that's on every winter in sydney. They light up all these buildings including the opera house . It's awesome 🎉

Day 4 - Have you emotionally harmed anyone (besides yourself) with your addiction/disorder? If so, how?

This is the worst part about getting anorexia. Not only are you harming yourself, but it makes you withdraw from relationships and social interactions. It also makes you really irritable and nothing is fun anymore. 

I became so scared and focused on food that everything else became unimportant and I blocked it out. 

When I had to go to hospital and we were told what it was I was in denial and said some pretty hurtful things to my parents but now I am so grateful because they must have been so frightened! My heart rate was only just over 30bpm when I was awake. Normal sleeping rate is 60-100 or something. I was literally a heart attack waiting to happen and a few more days and I might not be writing this right now.

Hospital and the first few months after were a very highly stressful and emotionally intense time where a lot of hurtful things were said and done. Anorexia has also convinced me to hide things from my parents but I want to be open with them.

I have also hurt my siblings because I haven't been the big sister that's always there to protect them lately.

My friends have also lost their carefree buddy for a while who isn't paranoid about food and so won't go out with them. But that fun-loving chicka is on her way back 🎉 I even went out with them for frozen yoghurt and ate it all the other day, which was a big step for me, not to just throw it out and pretend I are it 😁

Day 3 - List 3 things you like about yourself.

Haha this is sort of an ironic question to ask someone with an eating disorder, because usually there is a long list of things they hate about themselves and a very limited if not non-existent list of the things they do like. 

For example, I'm not really a fan of my looks or personality and the way I treat others has also gotten worse since I got sick...

But there are a few things I like about myself.

1. I am a super loyal friend and hate to let anyone down. I'll never cut anyone off.

2. I have (or had 😁) a good sense of humour, and I'm trying to find it again :)

3. I have blue eyes and sometimes they look nice (Like in the photo 👀)

And they look decent on a normal day without any makeup too I think 😜

Anyway, happy Monday 😘

Day 2- what have you done to help yourself with your disorder.

At the moment, I'm seeing a therapist who is treating me using the maudsley method. If any of you who read this are doing maudsley, please comment about your experience, I'd like to hear how other people find it.

 

As for helping myself, the best thing I find is just to keep busy. Taking up time doing things means there is less time to dwell on food/weight and all things anorexia related.

 

Another thing I do a lot is remind myself over and over "this will help me get my period back". This motivates me to eat because I definitely want to have kids someday. Although, sometimes when I feel really down I feel like if I do get my period back I will be fat and then no guy will ever want to be with me anyway…. Sounds pretty irrational, I know, and it is.

 

Sometimes the only way I can eat something is when I really want to please my parents. The looks on their faces are so painful sometimes and I know this affects them a lot, and I don’t want them to be worried about me. The thing with Maudsley is that they are the ones making me eat more than I want to and so that’s where all the anger is directed, to the point where I'm screaming at my parents that I hate them. That’s why I struggle with Maudsley. I love my parents but anorexia and them making me eat makes me hate them...

Day 1- Write a letter to your addiction (‘drug of choice’) or your disorder.

To Anorexia,

I don't really have much to say, but just to let you know you suck and you've ruined my life and the relationships I have with everyone in my life. I hate you.

Sometimes you disguise yourself as a place of safety and help, but it’s a total lie. You want to lure me into your trap to ultimately kill me.

You make me so angry at people that I love, when the one I should be angry at is you. You make me lie, yell, and draw back from all the things that make life worthwhile.

With God's help I'm determined to beat you, and so are mum and dad. You won't win, no matter how hard you push me, and if you ever attack anyone close to me, watch out!

I can't wait for the day when I can no longer hear you at all.

Rachel

30 day recovery challenge

As I'm new to this, I thought doing a challenge would be a good way to start off and get going on the whole blogging thing. I'll still make some other posts about my day, other slightly interesting things, but all these ones will start off with Day (whatever day it is followed by the name of the challenge).  Hopefully I'll get time to post most days. Enjoy :)

• Day 1- Write a letter to your addiction (‘drug of choice’) or your disorder.
• Day 2 - What have you done to help yourself with your addiction/disorder? 
• Day 3 - List 3 things you like about yourself.
• Day 4 - Have you emotionally harmed anyone (besides yourself) with your addiction/disorder? If so, how? 
• Day 5 - How do you want to be remembered?
• Day 6 - Write a letter to someone who has harmed you or has made you feel bad.
• Day 7 - What are 2 things you want? What are 2 things you need?
• Day 8 - If you could go back in time (before your addiction/disorder) what would you tell yourself?
• Day 9 - Who do you look up to? Why?
• Day 10 - List 5 goals you have for yourself, short-term or long-term.
• Day 11 - What motivated you to enter recovery?
• Day 12 - What are 3 things you would like to change about yourself?
• Day 13 - Have your struggles changed you? For better or worse? Why?
• Day 14 - Think about yourself one year ago, how have you changed?
• Day 15 - When you are triggered, what do you tell yourself to calm down?
• Day 16 - List 5 things you are grateful for.
• Day 17 - What in your life has improved since you entered recovery?
• Day 18 - Have you found a Higher Power (doesn’t have to be religious)? If so, what is it? If not, do you have any beliefs?
• Day 19 - What is the hardest thing you had to give up because of your disorder/addiction?
• Day 20 - Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
• Day 21 - What was your ‘rock bottom’? How did you overcome it?
• Day 22 - Favorite quote(s) to live by?
• Day 23 - How would you deal if your (future?) child had your addiction/disorder? What would you say to them?
• Day 24 - Has having a Tumblr helped or hurt your recovery? Why?
• Day 25 - What/who in your life makes you smile ear to ear? Why?
• Day 26 - What would you say to someone if they told you ‘I give up on my recovery. It’s too hard.’?
• Day 27 - Tell us a story about yourself in the midst of your addiction/disorder. It can be positive or negative.
• Day 28 - What do you feel is your greatest strength?
• Day 29 - What are some of your favorite recovery blogs or sites?
• Day 30 - What is the best part about being in recovery?

 

 

Hey, I'm Rachel

Hey, 

If anyone ever stumbles upon this blog, hey there :)

My name is Rachel. I'm sixteen (almost 17😃) and I live in Sydney, Australia. 

I've been struggling with anorexia nervosa for about a year now. It's exhausting 😒 and being really thin does not make life better 😢 but I'm not going to let it ruin the rest of my life, there's to many awesome things to experience 😃

I was always a really relaxed, fun-loving, social kid and I never used to be really worried about how I looked particularly but I have always been a pretty high achiever; in school, sport and pretty much everything else.📝🎹🏉

The school I go to is also very competitive, and everyone strives to not only be good, because we all are, but to be the best.👓📖🏆

I guess the pressure did get to me although I wasn't really aware of it happening. 

I'm starting this blog as a way of telling my story, venting my feelings and hopefully helping others on the way.☀️

I won't just be posting about my eating disorder, and after a while I will probably change my blog name, but this is just a starting point.

My goal is to be a happy, healthy teenager and to live life to the full! ☀️