10 reasons why Australia is the best!

This is going to be a long post so I think it'll end up being two separate ones... I had a wave of patriotism today, and I realised just how lucky I am to live in Australia. It is honestly the best country in the world, with the second highest HDI (a statistic that combines life expectancy, education and income) in the world behind Norway, and we have way better weather :D so here are ten reasons why Australia is the best! 

1. Weather- during the day in winter here in sydney it doesn't usually go below about 15 degrees celcius, which is actually still pretty warm. The only problem is our school uniform doesn't change in winter so going to school is a but cold :( but in summer the weather is around 30 degrees every day which in my opinion is perfect! When it's 40 you can't do much other than sit in front of the air conditioner but 30 is perfect beach weather :) 

This is the beach just down the road from my school! How lucky am I!?

2. Lifestyle- Australia is such a chilled, laid back place, and the things that are held in high importance are friends and family, which i think is really good because there are some cultures that put heaps of pressure on education or talent or money but the overall vibe in Australia is really relaxed, everyone's just here to have a good time :) 

3. Beaches/Landscape- Australia has amazing landscapes! In one country you can go to rainforests, desert, snow, beaches, reefs...it is a pretty big country but still I don't think most other countries can claim that :D

Great Barrier Reef in Queensland:

Uluru, the big red rock in the centre of Australia (sort of like its heart haha): 

4. Island- we're all alone :O, which is annoying because we have to fly everywhere which costs a lot of money but if there was ever a world war we'd probably be the last ones to be reached because no one can be bothered to travel all the way here.

5. Mates- Aussies are really great at supporting each other in hard times. I don't know what it is but we have a really strong patriotic spirit. Whether it's sport, other achievements or a natural disaster, Aussies will support other Aussies 110%, which gives you a really nice sense of belonging. 

Meal Plans

When I was in hospital, I was on this meal plan for about 3 weeks of my stay while having 1000-1500 calories at night through a naso-gastric tube. I don't know how that much fit inside me, and at the end I wasn't even putting on weight that quickly because my body got used to it . It's funny, the first five days I was in hospital I put on 5 kilos, probably most of high was water weight, but after that it slowed down. I did put on 11 kilos in 5 weeks though. Pretty impressive hey :P

This was the meal plan (the highest one) that I was on for most of the time in hospital: 

I always felt so bloated after meals, and we had to finish our mains within half an hour and snacks in 15 minutes! Now at home it takes me about 2.5 hours to have my morning snack and it's only two snack items and a piece of fruit :/ I need to work on that...it doesn't really allow me to do much else.

I don't really know why I eat so slow. It could be for a number of reasons, but maybe subcounsciously my body is savouring the meal because it still doesn't trust me to give it the next one, and at the same time the anorexia probably wants me to eat slowly because I shouldn't be allowed to eat next time. 

I see everyone else eating so fast and the food just disappears, and they hardly even tasted it! I don't know why this bothers me so much but what's the point of the calories if you don't actually get to enjoy eating them! I know this is disordered thinking, because ultimately it's just energy. I guess eating slow and tasting things for a long time makes me feel a bit better about the whole calories thing because at least I get a pleasant taste...

Does anyone else eat really slow?? 

Lunch yesterday: two pieces of bread with hummus, chicken, cucumber, carrot and lettuce :)

Seeing famous people

Do you find that when you randomly see a famous person you automatically feel really cool and like you're friends with them? Pretty ridiculous considering they're just normal people but it's still awesome! 

This morning my brother opened his door out onto the road to get out at the train station and a car had to wait for him. Turns out it was a really famous rugby league player, sonny bill Williams haha my brother felt pretty special that a guy he loves watching on tv had to wait for him to get out of the car :D

I've only had a few other times where this has happened. One was when I was at a school musical for my family Friend who is a teacher at this really prestigious school and I was standing about 1 metre from Hugh Jackman who's daughter goes there :) 

And one more time was when I was a these markets and one of Australia's most famous radio host Kyle sandilands was there buying his dog a studded collar hahahaha 

I think it's really interesting how we praise these people who are put on a pedestal in society, but you don't really know what sort if person they are at all, and they're no better people than your local grocer or your plumber, who both help your life more than a self-obsessed singer or actor, although some of them are really inspirational people who use their fame to help others and give back a lot :) good on them. 

Hospital Appointment

I had my hospital outpatient appointment this morning, but I was so tired I just sort of sat there and didn't say much. I don't really know what I'm thinking or doing at the moment, I'm just super exhausted!

The doctor said that if things didn't go well over the summer holidays I might be admitted to this day program which I don't want to have to go to because mum and dad would have to drive 4 hours a day then but at the same time I think it would really help because instead of just mum and dad having all the control over my eating they actually help me to be able to make decision ls about food healthily for myself. 

Apart from that things are actually going pretty good at the moment. For the first time in ages I am feeling more comfortable around people at school and actually laughing and making jokes with my friends again, which makes me happy :) 

Here are some quotes which I reckon pretty much explain my life at the moment! 

Gelato day

We have a gelato day at school today, and it always makes me really uncomfortable because my friends pressure me to get some even though I keep tellin them I don't want any. I'm not ready yet to just have that while out with friends, it just causes a lot of anxiety...

I know my friends mean well but they keep pushing me, especially the "loud" ones in the group, maybe because I'm not following what they're doing or because they don't understand. It's really uncomfortable when they start having a go at me really loudly so everyone can hear too :( if someone didn't want gelato, I'd just be like "ok cool" because it doesn't matter to me whether someone wants a gelato or not.

But at the end of the day I know they'll stick by me and are there for me which is the most important thing :)

I think we should try (myself included) to be less worried about what other people are doing that we don't agree with and just worry about what we're doing. We aren't here to judge the behaviour of others, because nobody is perfect, everyone has bad habits and flaws. We should focus on complimenting the things we do like about people. A simple smile can brighten someone's day :)

It was also mufti today so no uniform = ultimate comfort :D

Life post

Sorry I haven't been up to date with the posting recently, I'm planning to get back on it but I have my first exams that count to my final high school mark coming up in two weeks so I've been studying like crazy. I'm soooo tired zzzzzz.....

Being the oldest in the school now is weird. When you're in the younger years you're constantly looking up to the older years and trying to look cool and have older friends and be known by other years as 'cool'. Then you get to the oldest year and suddenly none of it mattered and you don't care about anything the other years are doing, which means that when I was younger and wanting to look cool to the older kids they actually had no interest in me. So much stress for nothing hahaha :)

We spend so much of our lives trying to please others, but in the end, most people are far too caught up in themselves to really notice what you are doing, which in a way is sad because we are so self absorbed but it is also a load off because it doesn't really matter what we do, as long as we accept ourselves. 

I think that realising this also comes with getting older. I have always wondered why people are always trying to be 'cool' and impress each other, it would look pretty stupid if you were looking down on it all hey...

Anyway, today I only had a half day at school which was nice so now I'm going home early.

Another interesting thing about my day, I recently entered a competition about careers in hospitality that had some cool prizes and I've progressed to the Saxons stage (got into the top ten). I don't even really want a career in hospitality but you just had to write 200 words about why you want a career in hospitality and I've always loved to write so I wrote something unique in 5 minutes and they liked it! :D so then I had to make a 1 minute video about why I want the prizes and send it into them tonight. Who knows what might happen? If I win something I'll do a post about it

A week after I first went to hospital... I just got moved into the eating disorder ward from the cardiac ward and seeing all the other girls had just made the whole thing real. I was so confused and scared :(

This is a coffee I ha yesterday: how cool is the Swan pattern!?

Song inspiration

When I'm feeling not so good, this song is really good to put on and it makes me smile :) it's called Host of Angels by Taylor Henderson. Look it up it's such a nice song! Here are the lyrics:

little girl looking at the ceiling

little girl how are you feeling

there's no shame in being alone

the tears you hide

behind your eyes

cry me out until they're gone

so I can hear your call

behind a a broke down wall

that you've been building for so long

so let it out

it feels good

to let the wait the doubt the hurt

the burn that you've withstood

but oh

I know you'll make it through

there's a host of angels watching over over you

over you

if I could I would lift your burden

cos I know how much you're hurtin

but I see you getting stronger

I wish you knew how

you make me proud

but i'm not the only one

so let it out

it feels good

to let the wait the doubt the hurt

the burn that you've withstood

but oh,

I know you'll make it through

there's a host of angels watching over over you

I know you'll make it through

there's a host of angels watching over over you

over you

in a mix of your despair

hope will find you

if you lost all your fear

angels will guide you

so let it out

it feels good

to let the wait the doubt the hurt

the burn that you've withstood

but oh,

I know you'll make it through

there's a host of angels watching over over you

but oh,

I know you'll make it through

there's a host of angels watching over over you

over you

Last nights dinner- San choy bow (I think I spelt that wrong...)

It's almost 30 degrees celcius at 8 in the morning! I'm already sweating :( 

Comparison to others

One thing I find really hard to deal with is comparing myself to others al the time. I'm trying to stop this habit as I know it is only adding fuel to a fire that is probably based in something that isn't reality anyway, and I hate thinking of my friends this way, but the first thing I look at and think about when they're walking towards me is how skinny they look, and how much fatter than them I am. Then I start the whole "the doctors and my parents are making me fat and that's not fair when my friends are so skinny" which is silly and pointless because the fact of the matter is that I haven't got my period back, so obviously my body still needs more, at least initially to give it a boost...not that I'm particularly happy about that. 

Being from an area near the beach with kid from high socio-economic backgrounds can be challenging at times because there is a lot of focus on appearance, fitness and achievement. Being good isn't good enough, you have to be extraordinary to stand out. But I've learnt throughout my experiences with anorexia that striving to be perfect at things all the time will just lead to depression and lack of will to do anything, because achievement doesn't add anything to your value as a human being, although the recognition is nice at the time. What is more important and valuable is being true to who you are and trying to make a positive difference in the lives of everyone you cross paths with, and no one ever said you had to be super skinny, pretty, or the worlds fastest runner to do that :) 

I had a random burst of positivity this evening after finishing all my English work. It feels so good to have one less thing to do! 

My 13 year old brother is getting into cooking. Not bad for a first attempt custard tart from scratch 

One day I shall learn to love these legs...

Reasons to do pilates

I love pilates, and I think it's a really good form of exercise to get into during recovery. 

If part of your eating disorder involved excessive exercise, high intensity exercise focusing on cardio may trigger some negative thoughts and behaviours, like the need to burn calories.

Pilates and yoga are really good because they are low impact on the body, help you to rebuild lean muscle that is often lost with anorexia, and they relax your mind as well.

I found that my negative thoughts were less when doing pilates because I knew what I was doing was exercise and good for my body but I wasn't over doing it and I didn't feel the urge to push myself too far. Using a DVD or attending a class also helps to limit the intensity and time of your exercise 

Thinking about the future

I was just having a bit of a remisice and remembering when my friend and I used to sit in the back corner of our maths class and plan out our future lives, which is something I haven't thought about for a while, as I've been more concerned with the fact I can't see a future for myself whatever I do, it all seems bad sometimes. But that isn't true of course. I am so lucky to live in Australia where I have so much opportunity and to have solving family and loads of friends :) so many things I take for granted that other people don't have...

I really wan to go overseas and volunteer at the end of next year when I finish high school. It's something I've always wanted to do and seeing as I don't want to drink alcohol really at all in my life (not against it, everyone I know does, it's just I don't like what it does to people sometimes and I wouldn't want to do something I would regret. It also just does things to your body and I don't think it's necessary to have fun)and pretty much all my school pals will just be partying drunk for a while I thought I might go overseas to a developing country. It's not like my friends would even notice I wasn't there and making a difference in someone else's life would mean a lot more to me than a week meaningless partying.

Back to the future, my friend and I always used to think of exotic baby names to call our kids. She was a lot more abstract than me though, I think she wanted to call one simba (fan of the lion king I think) haha and she wanted seven kids

Mine from what I can remember was five or six kids, ideally a set of twins in there (which is possible as my dad is an identical twin as are his cousins and his other cousins are identical triplets which is super cool!) and their names were Callum, Tilly, Laila, Ashton and Taj. Not sure how keen on those I am now so I decided to think about it again.

In reality I think I'd like to have four kids. I don't want to only have one or two because I loved growing up in a family of four kids myself but I don't think I'd want to have any more than that because I would want to make sure I have enough time to spend with each kid which is getting harder with people working more and more now anyway. 

As for names, If I had three boys as two girls, I like the names Emma and Charley for girls, and maybe Julian, Calen and Something else that I can't come up with because I just had a mind blank for boys. 

Have you ever thought about how your life might work out?

After school: I actually don't mind our senior girls uniform :)

Dinner was almond couscous with chicken. I had already taken some off the plate at this point... I'm finding it pretty hard at the moment but I'm really trying to eat what mum and dad want me to so will be eating everything tomorrow definitely! 

Being productive

School is really bay for me at the moment because we have our end of year exams in a few weeks which are the first ones that go towards our final high school mark at the end of next year.

I'm feeling a lot like very time I want to take a break there's this voice in my head saying "you'll regret it later when you get a bad mark and don't get into the uni course you want and your life is a failure." All because of watching one movie... I think I'm just really tired as well and need a good nights sleep so goodnight xx

This is one of my party tricks (the thing I'm doing with my tongue). I can also lick my elbow which is really rare and I can only cross one eye (people are always like "that's so cool you can do one without moving the other" but I'm actually trying to do both, one just refuses to move hahaha 

Freak outs

I've been getting really upset at meal times the past couple of days, and it's really taking it's toll on both me and my family. 

Sometimes when I'm really upset my dad grabs me and holds me, which makes me get even more upset because I just want to get away from it all but he explained it to me today and I kinda understand why he does it now.

He told me to look at the front door and said, if someone came through that door right now and tried to kill you, what do you think I would do? I'd do everything I could to stop them. And I realised that through all the upset my parents do really love me, the stupid anorexia just twists my view of it and says to me "they're frustrated at you, see, they hate you, there's no point, you're worthless, the only thing that will make you feel better is to not eat" 

Sometimes the temptation to not eat is really strong because for a moment there is relief and the voices in my head subside, but I obviously can't do that forever because that would mean death so ultimately there is only one option If I want to live and that is to eat...

Might as well learn to enjoy it seeing as I'll be doing a lot of eating in the rest of my life :D

We got our new car from Japan and apparently it can fly :O (jk I don't know what it actually means)

Throwback to the day I left hospital; I thought it would be all over and everything would be fine.. I was just a little dilluded 

Half-living

For the past couple months, I've been in this sort of half living stage where all I feel like I do is eat, go to school, cry and sleep. I pretty much eat the same food every day and I'm sick of it but changing things causes a lot of anxiety...

It's so annoying because I never even used to think about food at all. I would be the last person to eat super healthy or anything and I wasn't fat but I'm so scared of going out of control or not knowing how to eat that I'm just paralysed.

I've said to my parents before that I want to go back to hospital. The reason I say that is because there's so much upset at home and sometimes both myself and my parents can't deal with it anymore. But then I remember that hospital is only for a little while and then it starts all over again.

Super bloated after dinner :O

My dad called the hospital this morning after I had trouble eating a piece of toast. I did eat it but he still rang and I have to go and get an assessment done on Monday... My therapist suggested that maybe I look at some medication but I really don't want it. I already don't feel like myself, I don't want another thing affecting my mind as well. 

One thing I am getting better with though is the rigidity of the times I eat. I used to not eat after 6:30 but it's not progressed to the point where anywhere up to about 8:30 is bearable :) yay, at least there's something to celebrate!

Today it was boiling!! 37 degrees and that's closer to the coast where it's cool. Further out west it got past 40!!!!! But then it's dropping 14 degrees tomorrow. Crazy...

The media

There is so much attention focused on the lives and bodies of celebrities and to be honest it's pretty much all just useless information. All the money that is spent creating and buying gossip magazines that in the end waste time and make people feel inadequate could be being used to aid cancer research or improve the lives of people in developing countries. While we live with all this luxury there are people dying of starvation all the time, not because of some stupid ideal society values but because they are too poor and don't have enough food to sustain them!

Really needed to get that out :) 

Tacos: one of my all time favourites!

Mufti (no uniform) day at school 

The obsession with skinny

Today I was thinking about the pressure in society to be thin, and I started to wonder where it all began...

Females in particular have always been body conscious, ultimately because they want to be seen as desirable and because of the competition between females for popularity and attention.

While thin waists have been desirable for hundreds of years, the pressure to be stick thin was first noticed to be a trend in the 1960s with the arrival of the model twiggy.

the 60s was a time of development in women's rights and women having control over their bodies was a way to show their independence. However, as the media and accessibility of information as been increasing, this ideal is shoved in our faces as we walk past every service station and every time we turn on the tv or open the internet.

The funny thing is that all this has been going on while there has also been a rapid increase in obesity. This gap between what the media shows us vs what the average woman actually weighs has created perceptions of perfection that are portrayed to be attainable but the vast amount and variety of food available today could possibly be making this ideal seem unreachable unless food intake is controlled rigidly.


However, what at first often starts as a desire to be healthy can soon turn into something much more deadly. This thin ideal is often associated with happiness and success, but people are often disappointed when they lose a lot of weight but they do not feel very happy because they are still imperfect and still have flaws. This can then have dangerous repercussions if the person is under the control of an eating disorder, and their perception of themselves, food and the world is completely skewed.

Positive thought for the day- I am allowed to play oztag (an Australian rugby league based game with tags instead of tackles) with my school friends now once a week :) 

Things I love about summer

1. SUN! I'm a really big hot weather person! I'd much rather a 30 degree day than 15 degrees

2. Swimming- when we used to have family Christmas gatherings at my grandmas I'd always be the last one out of the water, and I'd usually only get out if they threatened to take my presents and give them to my siblings or something. I love when your fingers go all wrinkly because you've been in the water too long (also happens when I have a really long bath) :)

3. Summer Fruits- berries, mango and watermelon are my three favourite fruits and they're all in season in summer. I also love rockmelon and grapes and just all fruit!

4. Shorts and t-shirts- I am really sick of having to wear a jumper all the time! It is so free to just wear some shorts and chill out without having to be wrapped in a blanket (even though winter isn't that cold in Australia, my house isn't built for cold weather so it's freezing)

5. THE BEACH!!!! This sort of ties in with swimming but I love being in the salty waves and just relaxing in the sun.

I just noticed that all the things I like about summer apart from the beach start with s (although I don't know if summer fruits counts) 

I am sort if worried about summer though because I am 12 kilos heavier than last summer, and although People will probably just think I look better, I can't shake the feeling that they'll be thinking "woah she's put on a lot of weight". Not that it should really matter. I don't want people to be friends with me because of the way I look. I just find it hard looking at myself in shorts and stuff, it brings a lot of bad thoughts...

I hate how in summer everyone gets so body conscious though! Everyone at school starts the whole "I have to exercise heaps and eat healthy to get that summer bikini body". Well who says you have to?! Who cares anyway! I wod much rather be friends with a friendly overweight person than an arrogant fit one. So what if someone is overweight, they might be really sad or have medical reasons for being overweight. And even if they just struggle with overrating, that's not the biggest problem in the world to have. Being a horrible person is much worse, although the media twists it so that people who are overweight are shunned and celebrities who don't care about anyone but themselves are gloried. Our world is super wacky sometimes...

This guy looks super friendly:

This is what some of the guys at the gym I used to go to were like:

Siblings

One of the most upsetting things about having an eating disorder is the way your relationships with your siblings change. Particularly because my siblings are younger than me (there's three of them) so they don't understand even what an eating disorder is (though most people in the world don't anyway).

Smoothie pic from this morning ^

However it's really hard because they don't think poor Rach this must be really hard for her, they think "our big sister has gone crazy and just upsets mum and dad all the time and is always fighting with mum and dad" and they just get angry at me or start crying, which then makes me upset and the cycle go again.

This upset, rebellious girl isn't me though...I was always that sweet, no fuss, well mannered and behaved fun-loving person that just enjoyed life and it was all just taken away. 

I saw my sister talking to my cousin and crying today, and I just know what she was crying about, but I'm pretty sure she just blames me for everything, as once she just yelled at me for being so selfish and stuff... Anyway, this really hurt me because she could be saying all this bad stuff about me to my cousin, when actually I am trying so hard. Other people don't understand that I'm not just being like that because I don't want to eat or even that I'm "just afraid". Everyone has fears, but fear is just a symptom of this mental illness. 

Sometimes I just feel like everyone is comforting my sister over the trauma she has to go through because of the monster (me) when I'm the one that sometimes doesn't even have a will to live.

I also don't think my siblings and parents realise how much I actually do love them. Everything I eat is for them and my relationship with them pretty much. If it was up to me I would eat very little, because that is what is comfortable, although that would lead to hospital again and is not Healthy. But there have been so many time I have wanted to go back to hospital and the only reason I don't is for them. I'd probably just give up if it was just me...I'm just so annoyed!!! How come anorexia just got to come and make my mind so stuffed! 

Making dukkah for my friends birthday. The cumin and coriander seeds smelt soon good ^

Life Update

I'm really sorry I haven't made a post in a while. I've been really stressed with school work and other stuff and I hardly have time to think at the moment. I feel like I'm going to fail all my exams even though my final school exams aren't for a year I'm stressing like they're tomorrow :( things aren't looking good for when they're actually close...

My school offered for me to do my final year of school over two years, but that offer is sort of pointless when talking to someone with anorexia. To be seen as less able than everyone else, no thanks, I'll stick to trying to be the best! 

Plus I'm worried that this year will just be full of stress because I'm probably going to be getting choice back with food again but my mind is still only about 30% in recovery, which isn't a good sign.

I just want it all to go away, and not even remember any of tees thoughts or feelings, but that can't and won't happen, so everything sort of seems pointless. 

I'm trying to stay positive but school is just getting me down at the moment. I'm trying to come up with a good idea for my English class and it's driving me crazy. Does anyone have any ideas for a story, essay, speech topic??? It has to be pretty sophisticated with a really good metaphor or motif incorporated. 

Time for a positive thought of the day and I've tried to make it about food. I LOVE CINNAMON! Chai lattes and teas are soon good.

I have an obsession for nice smelling things, especially coconut, caramel, cinnamon and vanilla! <3 maybe it's because I don't allow myself to eat much variety of foods I have developed a heightened sense of smell. Who knows? 

Also, does anyone have a good idea for a birthday present? Mum still hasn't got me anything because she wants to get me something I would really like. 

On the way to my friends house to stay the night, feeling really nervous...

Managed to do this in my own hair the other day and I was so proud I just had to share it :)