However it's really hard because they don't think poor Rach this must be really hard for her, they think "our big sister has gone crazy and just upsets mum and dad all the time and is always fighting with mum and dad" and they just get angry at me or start crying, which then makes me upset and the cycle go again.
This upset, rebellious girl isn't me though...I was always that sweet, no fuss, well mannered and behaved fun-loving person that just enjoyed life and it was all just taken away.
I saw my sister talking to my cousin and crying today, and I just know what she was crying about, but I'm pretty sure she just blames me for everything, as once she just yelled at me for being so selfish and stuff... Anyway, this really hurt me because she could be saying all this bad stuff about me to my cousin, when actually I am trying so hard. Other people don't understand that I'm not just being like that because I don't want to eat or even that I'm "just afraid". Everyone has fears, but fear is just a symptom of this mental illness.
Sometimes I just feel like everyone is comforting my sister over the trauma she has to go through because of the monster (me) when I'm the one that sometimes doesn't even have a will to live.
I also don't think my siblings and parents realise how much I actually do love them. Everything I eat is for them and my relationship with them pretty much. If it was up to me I would eat very little, because that is what is comfortable, although that would lead to hospital again and is not Healthy. But there have been so many time I have wanted to go back to hospital and the only reason I don't is for them. I'd probably just give up if it was just me...I'm just so annoyed!!! How come anorexia just got to come and make my mind so stuffed!
Hiiiii Rachel :)
ReplyDeleteDon´t know if you remember, but you lately posted a very nice comment on my blog and so I became interested in reading your blog, too :) and I absolutely have to say it is really really worth reading it :) keep on writing it, it honestly gives me some great motivation to keep my recovery up =)
so thank you :)
And to this post I can reeeeeeeelate so much, you can´t believe it :( in my family there also is exactly the same situation :( the only difference is that I only have a younger sister at the age of 17 :( in childhood we were like best friends, but now since my ED started, we nearly struggle all the time we are together :( she simply does not understand the complexity of this stupid illness :( and so our complete family always fights out problematic discussions :( not so easy, because it is always my fault, because according to her I am too selfish and I hate that :(
buuuut never quit :) recovery is worth it :) oooh and I have got a question, you live in Australia right? =) so how about the weather there now? Is it becoming summer? =) because I really can´t imagine it, as it here gets darker and colder every day :( brrrrr....
xxx Wish you a nice week
Ange
Hey Ange! Thanks for reading my blog :) its really sad how having an eating disorder can alienate you from the people you love, but I guess one good thing is you can turn it into motivation to get better and mend those relationships. And yes the weather in Australia is getting hotter and its so nice. I think its supposed to be 34 degrees celcius on Friday :D and by the way I actually learnt german for over 3 years at school so heute es regnet aber am Freitag das wetter ist heiss. Ciao,Rachel (how did I do? haha haven't spoke german for a year)
DeleteHi agaaain :) you are very very welcome, I really like the style of your writing and your posts :)keep on writing, I will definitively read them :)
ReplyDeleteYees, I think you are absolutely right in this topic I think :) it may be triggering but you have to decide what is best for you to become healthy again and then you probably will be able to knit your relations in the best way :)
Omg that weather sounds like heaven for me at the moment, because here in Germany it is getting colder and foggier every day and I still crave for sun so muuuch :)
Hahaaaa that is very cool :) really you did german in school? Awesome :) Oh yes you are absolutely doing really good :) I can give you a compliment :) the only wrong thing about the sentence is: Heute regnet es aber am Freitag wird das Wetter heiß :) but you really did a great job :)
Hahaa I would love to visit Australia one day, sounds awesome living there ;) how is your recovery going on? Are you doing well? =) I hope it so much :)