Anorexias effect on the brain

Something I find really interesting and amazing is that at the beginning of having anorexia it is mostly willpower and self-control even though it is super hard that makes you restrict your food intake. I know personally there were some times I just gave into the cravings (choc chip cookies in particular were something I found hard to resist...) 

However, after a while I didn't find it hard anymore. While I'm sure this is partly because I just weighed up the momentary pleasure of food with the guilt and feared fat that food would result in (which of course isn't true but that's anorexia for you), some part of me just wasn't really interested in food anymore, and to this day when someone offers me chocolate, chips, cake, lollies etc I honestly just don't want to eat it. I just think "yuck", not even "I really would like that but I have to restrain.

I guess this could also be due to the fact that after eating pretty healthily (actually healthy not anorexia healthy), your body doesn't want really oily, fatty foods anymore. 

I have this really bad habit of going on about nothin until what I'm talking about has nothing to do with what I originally intended the post to be about, so I'll once again reorient myself: the effect of anorexia on the brain. 

Apparently your brain shrinks as a result if being starved of oxygen if our heart rate drops really low, which happened to me. While I can't exactly tell if this is true (I didn't have a healthy me to compare to at the same time) a lot of studies have been done to show that it's true. And it helps to explain why sometimes I just can't think or I'll just space out for a while. I often have trouble coming up with the right word to say and I'll freak out sometimes If I haven't had much time to think something over when it comes to making a decision.

Here is a picture by science news or something about the effect of anorexia on the brain I found reall interesting:

My school friends got me a manicure for my birthday. This is my favourite colour, although maybe slightly more blue :)

It was also super hot today and I was sweating like a pig walking to the train station.

Hurtful words

Anorexia is an illness which not only affects the person suffering, but also their friends and family members. Unfortunately, this can lead to a lot of confusion, frustration and outbursts of emotion that can mean some quite hurtful things are said.

That's why it is so important to forgive others and to accept forgiveness. Sometimes I say something hurtful to my parents which is really just me taking my frustration at the battle inside my head out on the ones that are making me eat food, or "making it hard for me" aka saving my life. However, I forget that they don't actually understand what it is like having anorexia and so they can't read what I'm actually thinking. They just go off what I say and sometimes they get really frustrated at me because it seems so simple... It's just food after all. So then they say things about me that are quite hurtful and that they don't mean but it then makes me turn to the only thing I feel like I have sometimes which is not eating and then the whole cycle starts again. 

Although it's hard and sometimes I really don't want to forgive my parents or I feel to guilty to accept their forgiveness I have to remind myself that even though it's painful in the moment my relationship with my parents is more important than jus words and getting upset, because at the end of the day they make my food every day and deal with having me cry all the time and not being able to do a few of the family things we used to because I get so anxious about food...

So yeah, I guess just don't take those who love you for granted even though you might not have a perfect relationship because they will stick by you if you will stick by them. Life is much better surrounded by people than alone :) 

Be happy

I just woke up this morning with a new sort of resolution in my mind. 

At the start of every day I'm going to decide to be:

1. Be Happy

2. Be Myself

3. Be Grateful

4. Be Kind

5. Laugh a Lot 

I think actually reading these things at the start of every day will remind me of the good things in life, because sometimes it's really hard when all your throughts are taken up by food and weight. 

For example, I'm grateful I live in Australia which has the best weather ever! (32 degrees Celsius today!) 

Death or life... The constant battle

Anorexia requires nothing but perfection, and feeds off a desire to get everything right so that you won't be rejected. This fear of not being good enough or letting people down causes such a confusion in my mind. I'll try and explain it but it's really hard so...

On one hand, I feel so guilty for making my family live like this and I just wish I could die so that their lives could go back to normal. But then I feel so guilty because I know me dying would be horrible for my family so pretty much I have no option but to feel guilty because I want to please people so much.

On the other hand I can sometimes be pretty selfish. Even though it is extremely hard to fight back and there are times when I can't cope even if I want to, there are other times where I just want to do what anorexia says because it's easier and then the voices in my head give me a break. Although I don't think about it at the time I know by doing this it is hurting a lot of other people, but sometimes all my head is filled with is food so it's almost like my conscience has been half removed. 

I think I want to recover most of the time. But it feels like the only option for me is to recover to fatness. Either be skinny and not have a life (kids etc), or be fat and always feel worthless. Mum says I hae to just keep believing that I won't always feel so bad about myself but it's really hard when it's attacking you all the time... 

This was my chicken and cottage cheese pizza today which was yum :)

And it was super warm weather today which was nice. I sat outside and did schoolwork while soaking up the sun 

It was lasagne for dinner. For the first time I didn't complain about the portion size which was a good thing I guess, though it didn't feel good. I was paranoid that although she said she did wholemeal in the one we were having that she accidentally swapped it with the white one we're giving to some friends who are going through a rough time at the moment.  :(

Day 21 - What was your ‘rock bottom’? How did you overcome it?

The thing with having anorexia is that it completely devalues very part of you apart from your weight and physical appearance. So, when that is taken away (or so it seems when you are putting on weight in recovery), it pretty much feels as though everything is worthless and you are a failure as a person and you might as well be dead. In fact, there have been times when I thought that being dead would be better than being alive, because I wouldn't have to face eating every day and I would have to see people that either knew about what I had or would see me as "fat".

I can't really identify one particular point where it was the worst, although it was probably either when the doctor told me what I had or at some point where I just wanted to lose weight and give it all up. When I was told I had anorexia, I felt like the whole of who I was had just been taken away and instead I was reduced to a stereotype. I had this perception that was based in ignorance that anorexia was just people who really wanted to be skinny, and I'd only ever heard of two people who had it, and they were just friends of friends. I didn't see it as an illness, more like just a really shallow and superficial mindset. 

So when someone told me I had it, I first thought no way! I'm just really healthy. I still eat and I feel so good. I hadn't even realised I was afraid of food because I had just chosen what I wanted (really healthy stuff) and no one really questioned me. It was only when the less healthy hospital food was served up to me I began to realise just how much of a problem I did have.

Back to the topic of this post, I wouldn't say I have had one low point, just times where I feel like everything is hopeless and life will never be normal again because I have had this...

On a positive note, I went out to dinner las night with my netball team which was really nice. Here's a picture of my outfit :)

  

Day 20- where do you see yourself in 10 years

Well, officially starting yesterday I will be 27 in 10 years. Turning 17 is weird. You sort of expect that suddenly everything will somehow change, or you'll suddenly realise who you were always meant to be after every birthday. But instead, the wod just keeps on turning as usual, everyone going about their lives. 

When I think of where I'd like to be in 10 years, the first thing that comes to mind is family. Actually, instead of writing for ages I might just do headings about different parts of life and then write underneath where I see myself in 10 years.

FAMILY

in 10 years I would like to think I will be married and close to starting a family. My mum had me at 28, which I think is a good age to start having kids. Coming from a family of four kids myself, I'd like to have at least three kids, because having siblings is awesome! (Most of the time...we fight a lot but life would be so much more boring..and productive without them ;P)

As for my family as in my parents and stuff, I never want to live too far away from my parents and siblings. I would like my kids to grow up with the strong relationship I have had with all of my cousins. I know some people really want to travel and live in exotic places and I would love to as well but ultimately family is more important :) 

CAREER

so a the moment, I'm leaning towards wanting to be a doctor. It takes over 10 years of study and is pretty expensive but the thing I want to do most in life is help people, plus I'm really good at science so a doctor seems like the obvious choice. I not sure how id deal with the cutting people open though so I wouldn't wan to be a surgeon. 

In 10 years I would have almost completed specialist training if I become a doctor and would have been working in hospitals. I'd also be in a lot of debt from uni...oh well.

I'd love to write more but I have to go and get ready for school so talk later :)

^sneaky school selfies

Birthday

You know what's really sad. It's my birthday on Wednesday, and instead of being really excited for it, I'm terrified and anticipating disappointment. 

The reason that I'm terrified is that I'm worried my friends are going to make me a cake or something. I know that saying no will hurt their feelings but I've already asked them not to get me any food and I know I won't be able to eat it... If they do I know they won't be intentionally hurting me. I mean how can I expect them to understand it and I love them exactly how they are, not treating me differently. But I am really worried because I don't know what to do/say if that situation arises...

Also, with presents, and maybe this is with growing up as well but I have very particular tastes (I'm a bit perfectionistic) and If I get a present that isn't either really useful and productive or something I really wanted/needed I get a bit disappointed, which is really just a bit selfish when people have gone to to much trouble, so I'm working on that one.

The other thing making me a bit down about the whole birthday thing is that we have a family tradition of picking a dinner on our birthday. Mum asked me tonight if I had any ideas and I just started crying and told her that i would love to have no dinner. Just the feeling of having an empty stomach would feel so good, I swear it actually feels like a high, it's like endorphins after exercise. But I know this isn't healthy so just a lot of inner turmoil at the moment 

It was so windy outside my window this morning, just like my mind is a lot of the time 

I want to get my hair a bit lighter but mum doesn't want me to colour my hair : (

Enligsh work

So I'm not even sure if anyone reads my posts most of the time but I thought if make this anyway just in case.

This year I have chosen to pick a subjec for English which just involves writing a major piece of work, like a short story (6000-8000 words).

The teachers have said that the most authentic responses are personal and based in life experience, and what I'm going through now is a pretty relavent issue in today's society, and probably my most significant life experience.

So...writing a story about anorexia. Here is where my trouble begins. What format do I write it in (e.g. Diarys, letters, interview, from different perspectives, first person, third person, present or past tense. Then do I set it in a hospital or at home or a mix?). Aaaah so many options. I really want to make my story as meaningful and powerful as possible, so if anyone has any suggestions it would be greatly appreciated. 

Also, if anyone has a moving story or any story at all and would like to share it with me for me to incorporate into my story, I would keep your identity completely confidential and could send you a copy of the work when it is finished :) if anyone wants just email me at reachrach00@gmail.com

I'll keep posting updates on how my story is going throughout the year :)

Helped out at the biscuit decorating at at my church community event today, and even though I only ate it plain I did eat a biscuit :) just keep smiling 

Day 19- What is the hardest thing you have had to give up because of your disorder

So the control of what I want to eat has pretty much been taken away from me in the past year and I've had to eat more or less the same thing everyday, partly because that way mum and dad know I'm getting enough and partly because if they change things I get anxious that they're trying to force more really bad food into me.

Plus having to eat all the food I don't want to eat in short amounts of time in order to keep up with life is really hard. In hospital and at home life can pretty much revolve around eating but with school and stuff eating is just a quick fix sort of thing...

Mum just got upset at me then for taking so long to eat today, so then I tried explainig to her that it was because I got up late, have gone out to do things today, plus we already had an argument this morning which lasted for ages. These arguments only make the thoughts worse as I then just want to give up on recovery and go back to hospital, just to get away. Sounds pretty crazy huh, but that's how it is. 

Giving up a lot of my social life has also been really hard because now that I actually sort of want one I've become distanced from people, but i didn't even realise at the time because I was just focused on food and exercise...

We just went and got a five yearly family photo done by a professional. I really hope they don't turn out heaps corny haha :)

Day 18- have you found a higher power

I'm not really a fan of pushing my religious and other personal opinions very much as I know with media things can get out of hand and be taken the wrong way often, but I'd like to answer this truthfully so here goes:

I am a christian. Sometimes I feel like as soon as I say that people are going to think that I'm some really judgemental, arrogant person but actually the opposite is true. 

God loves me, and even though I get things wrong sometimes, and I have dishonoured the body he gave me, he is still on my side. He wants me to succeed and he'll give me the help I need. 

I am so lucky I have had the hospital, to have the parents that I have, to have nice friends, to live in Australia where I could get access to free hospital treatment and reduced therapy prices. When I really think about it there are so many things to be grateful for in life, and that's because god is looking out for me :) 

So yeah, happy Saturday everybody

Bad day...

Yesterday I had a meeting with my therapist, and I've put on 2 kilos in two weeks (so the scales say). There were other factors influencing it like different scales (compared to hospital scales), different time of day, different clothes etc that could've all had an effect but the number on the scale is like ultimate truth in my mind. 

I hate it when I put on so much in a small amount of time, when I haven't been eating nearly enough to gain that much, probably just enough to maintain a healthy weight... Maybe my metabolism I still stuffed up I don't know... 

But anyway, whenever I put on so much in a short amount if time, the thoughts in my head go bezerk. Every minute of the day they attack and all I see is how much bigger I am than everyone else and how muc bigger I am going to get in the next two weeks before my hospital visit because mum and dad are making me eat even more. Aaaah!!

I had a really deep and meaningful thought this afternoon though. Peace and unity of mind is one of the most amazing things to have  that people don't appreciate until they no longer have it. I mean sure everyone has struggles but to be taken over by almost a complete other identity with its own agenda is exhausting and terrifying. 

I was bored this evening so I decided to take some interesting photos lol 

 This is what mum, dad and the therapist were thinking after yesterday's meeting and weight (excuse the messy room)

This is how I felt/reacted: pretty much as flat and low as possible without lying on the floor haha 

Day 17 - What in your life has improved since you entered recovery?

As much as I want this post to be full of hope, enjoyment and positivity, the trust is that not that much has improved since I began recovery, apart from the health of my vital organs of course :P

Physically I am obviously a lot healthier, and I am grateful to the hospital (even for the naso-gastric tube feeding) for getting me to a higher weight in a short amount of time to get me out of serious danger. 

The amount of food I am eating is also more than when I first entered recovery, which I guess is an improvement as well.

Apart from that, there hasn't been much that has improved...

Because neither me or my parents knew what was going on until I was taken into emergency (although they did have some idea, which is why they took me to the doctors. I just didn't think I was that thin and so didn't think they would notice anything was wrong. I thought I was just being healthy, even though it was pretty obvious my weight was way under healthy. The fact that my periods had stopped I put down to doing a lot of exercise, I didn't even know weight affected that), my relationship with them wasn't really strained at all before but has become increasingly so. This could be for a number of reasons. Firstly, I am sick of them controlling my food, they are sick of controlling my food, they are sick of anorexia taking over me and so am I but sometimes they get frustrated at why I can't just see that it's so bad and give it up and not care, though they do know how hard it is now.

Another thing that has gotten worse is my self-esteem. I have always felt like I was never good enough, and anorexia was my way of making sure I was good enough at something I think (now that I have had time to reflect and think about how it all started). Anyway, now heaps of people know I have had a "mental illness" and being anorexia makes it so much worse considering the stigma surrounding it. People that haven't gone through it or known someone with it personally often can't understand (not a bad thing just a fact) the impact it has and how it's not just a desire to be skinny or something you choose to want to have. People knowing has made me heaps self conscious about what they are thinking about me, especially my cousins and stuff who were such close friends but I feel like they feel betrayed in some way... 

Oh, I just remembered more good things! I am no longer anywhere near as cold as I was, my bum doesn't hurt anymore when I sit down, I don't feel so tired all the time, my face is brighter, my hair is thicker and my boobs are bigger :) just a shame all those things come with increased fat... That's probably what they mean when they say all good things come at a price haha 

^oh look, it's JB! On my trip to Madame Tussaud's

Day 16- 5 things you are grateful for

I think that thankfulness is one of the best qualities to have as a person, because it completely changes your outlook on life and the way you see yourself and others. 

Thankfulness can give you a new perspective and lead you to see that something you felt was unfair in life actually isn't that bad and can be turned into a positive experience you can learn something for. Anorexia, for example, is a horrible mental illness that I wouldn't wish my worst enemy to have to go through. However, having had it, I can't go back and make it never happen. It's how I respond to it now that will make all the difference.

I could either choose to feel sorry for myself and cry in a corner for years about how hard my life is and how tough my struggles are or I could take this experience as an opportunity to learn new things about myself and to become accepting of who God made me to be. I  also thankful that anorexia has lede me to develop a strong compassion for those suffering, especially with a mental illness and has given me a passion for the medical field (not sure whether I will pursue it or not though, still pretty keen on a business career...).

Back to the topic of this post, five things I am really grateful for and why are:

1. My family- sounds cliche but without them I would be dead right now, and that's not a joke, because I almost was with them (not their fault though, they had pretty much no idea what was going on). My parents have stuck with me through many gruelling months of weight gain and loss and upset and my siblings have always been there to have fun with (although at times my relationship with them hasn't been great due to anorexia)

2. To live in Australia- Australia is the best place to live in the world by a mile. We have sunshine, freedom, fun and a love of lifestyle and family :) the relaxed Aussie outlook on life makes me smile and having the beach close by is just the best! 

3. To live somewhere with a great health system- I really owe the government a lot... Considering they paid for my whole hospital stay ($18,000) when I pretty much put myself there (not exactly true I know but I feel so guilty sometimes...)and have provided us with some financial support for therapy etc I am really glad I live near where there was a government funded inpatient program so my parents didn't have to fork out loads of cash.

4. To live without the fear of war- in so many countries in the world there are wars and war threats and I would hate to have to live always watching my back in case there was a landmine under my feet or a bomb in my corner shop. Australia has apparently had a few terrorist threats recently but I think for the most part we're pretty safe (the media always exaggerates things)

5. For being alive! (This one is fairly self-explanatory) :P

It's storming outside at the moment, and I love the the feeling of being warm inside and looking out :) 

^ earlier this afternoon

Day 15 - When you are triggered, what do you tell yourself to calm down?

I just wrote pretty much the whole thing I was going to post before but because I went out of the blogger app it didn't save and now I have to start all over again :( 

So here we go... How do I calm myself down when I am triggered. 

Well, to tell you the truth, when I am triggered, it usually escalates very quickly to the point where all rational desire to want to calm myself down has gone out the window and instead I just want to smash something (which I have on more than one occasion.....it makes me feel sad to know that i was so take over by the anorexia I would hurt people and smash things but I can't take it back so I guess the only thing I can do is show how sorry I am) 

Often the only thing that gives me some comfort and calmness is by telling myself the reasons why recovering is better, such as:

- I need to eat to be healthy (period back etc)

- I need to eat so I can make healthy food decisions by myself

- I need to eat so that mum and dad don't have to travel an hour every day to a day patient program

- I need to eat because I don't want my family to be sad about me anymore

- I need to eat because I want my siblings to have a life where their relationship with me and mum and dad isn't limited and they don't feel pushed aside

- I need to eat so that I can live my life independently with friends and not be worried every time I go out or have to eat something.

The only problem with all these affirmations is that they often have little effect in the moment of upset because I can't see any way out and I don't care about my family because they are the ones "hurting me and ruining my life" and I "hate" them (which sounds horrible to me now but at the time it just all comes rushing out and I hardly even think about what I'm saying or doing. The only thing I can think about is how food will make everything worse and how my parents are the ones making me eat it...

Anyway, other things I find have a calming effect are:

1. Listening to music

2. Watching a really funny youtube clip

3. Watching a really sad youtube clip about someone who has it much harder than me... Although sometimes this one just makes me feel more bad about myself so then I don't want to eat. Depends on the day...

4. Reading a book

5. Having a nice hot shower

6. Watching a chick flick

7. Playing a game with my siblings

8. Doing chores or homework (sounds crazy right, but it is actually a good way to take your mind off things.)

My last point is actually quite interesting. I find that during the school term I tend to not lose as much because there is routine with what I have to eat and I also have a lot of school things to think about which means there's less headspace for anorexia. However, the holidays being a lot of anxiety about the unknown which in turn leads to restriction and weight loss, and the anorexia thought party goes wild 🎉😒

Well, I'm actually proud of how long this post was! :) I really will be trying to post more often, maybe aim for 2-3 posts a day. Please of you have any suggestions of topics comment below. 

Mum let me make dinner the other night (with her instruction) which was really trusting of her and I put all the right amounts in. Take that Ana 👊

Selfie of the day ;P time for bed after my hair dries, but right now it's time for some bad reality tv watching!

Day 14 - Think about yourself one year ago, how have you changed?

Haha, I've changed quite a lot in the past year. Although a lot of what has happened to me in the past year has been upsetting, hard, scary etc, I also feel like I have learnt a lot about life and myself in the last year as a result of having anorexia.

I am obviously more anxious and less happy and carefree was I was a year ago, which saddens me because I wish I could go back to before this all happened. I don't want this hanging over me like a dark shadow my whole life, whether it's in the form of thoughts about food or the perceptions of others who know what I've had.

On the positive side, I think I have become more aware of the true confusion in the world this year and I am definitely more compassionate to those who are suffering, particularly when it comes to mental illness. To have to deal with a mental illness is hard enough in itself, but to have all the stigma and negativity towards it thrown on top makes it really tough. Imagine if someone with cancer kept being told to snap put of it.

Although it's not exactly the same, because I know that ultimately with mental illness has to overcome the thoughts and decide to get better, but that is why people who do recover are so strong, there are no medications that fox the problem, nothing can really offer relief. Sometimes it seems as if there is no way out, and some days I don't want an out, because that would involve stepping out of this safety net and into the complete unknown... I guess that's where trust comes in. Trusting that there are people that care about me and will take care of me :) 

First week of the final year of school done! Woooohooo only 53 more to go... So many serious talks this week about study habits have gotten me motivated (see pictures) but I get so distracted (hence blog post) haha 😜

Day 13 - Have your struggles changed you? For better or worse? Why?

This question is actually really hard to answer. Not because what I've been going through hasn't changed me, because it has completely, but I'm not sure yet whether for better or worse.

I think that initially the restrictive, obsessive behaviours around food and life in general are negative changes, as well as the way I now see myself. These changes have made me a very anxious and sad person a lot of the time, and even though there are small windows of hope the bad days still heavily outweigh the good ones at the moment...

In saying that, I don't think that everything I have learnt about myself, others and life as a result of having anorexia is negative and I think that once I am fully recovered I will have an enthusiasm for and appreciation of things and people in life that others are not able to discover.

The past few months have also helped me to think about what I want to do in life, and at the moment I have a passion for helping people in similar situations to what I have gone through, such as being an adolescent specialist or psychiatrist. Although it's really hard to get into medecine and studying to be a doctor takes a lot of work and money, I believe that it will be 100% worth it if I help even one persons life to be better.

 As you may have read in previous posts, this week I have had to be putting on weight (I have 4 kilos to gain to be at minimum goal range) and I'm finding it pretty tough but I haven't minimised anything and this evening I ate my whole meal even though I thought it was way too big. 

Doesn't look that big on the plate but it's a massive plate and all potato and meat! 

This evening I've been quite down though, just can't seem to see any reason to continue. There's so much going on with school, and life, and relationships and sometimes it feels like it's all too much and hospital seems like a better option... I'm trying, I think I'll just sleep on it and hopefully wake up with fresh perspective. 

I don't want another 4 kilos 😢😢

New post will be up tomorrow, goodbye until then, and have a happy day. Remember, you are valuable and you are loved. If you genuinely think no one loves you, I promise to love you no matter how awful of a person you are. Just to end on a positive note haha 😃

Day 12 - What are 3 things you would like to change about yourself?

There are so many things I want to change about myself. Some of these are just me, some are motivated by anorexia and some are the effects of anorexia, as well as all the superficial things such as looks. 

I think the things I don't like about myself the most are ways of thinking that I have that limit me and make me feel inferior as a human being and these are:

1. I'd like to change the way I think that unless I present a perfect image people won't like me

2. I'd like to change the way I see myself physically and not always be worried about the way I look (although on the superficial side I also wish I had a thinner face, better skin and less chunky legs :/ )

3. I wish I could eat without worrying about it!

Sometimes I forget that even people that seem to be perfect and have it all together have insecurities and things they would like to change about themselves, and no matter how hard we try we can never be this self-sufficient perfect human being but that's what life is all about, learning to depend on others and appreciate their differences. I do appreciate all the different things about the other people in my life, but somehow it always feels like they wouldn't do that for me because I'm just not worth it. 

Yesterday and the day before I had really bad days where I was upset with my parents and there was a lot of crying/ hurtful things said from both ends. Partly I think because we've been on holidays for three weeks, but it was good to get back into the routine of school again because it gives me something other than food to put my mind to. 

I have started the work for my final year of school! 😮

Only just over 53 weeks to go!! 

This is some pictures of part of my afternoon snack/me at work (I work as a cleaner but I was still in my school uniform today) 

I'm really going to try to post at least once a day from now on :)

Day 11 - What motivated you to enter recovery?

I didn't actually have a choice to begin recovery... I was at a really low weight and mum was getting worried (although I couldn't see why) that my health was being affected so she took me to the doctor to "check my iron levels", when I think she really wanted to show the doctor subtly how skinny I was. 

The doctor checked my heart rate and two days later urgently called my mum because my heart rate was very low. I went straight to hospital from school and didn't go home again for over a month. I think my heart rate overnight dropped to 34bpm, compared to the minimum normal which is 60bpm.

 

So while in hospital I was tube fed on too of eating a massive meal plan and I put on 11 kilos, which is a lot in just over 5 weeks. After coming out of hospital I lost a bit of weight and started therapy, as well as having visits to the hospital every week/fortnight/month depending on how my weight is going. 

I guess the maudsley method which is what the hospital program is, doesn't really allow a choice when it comes to recovery, you must put on weight and go to therapy whether you like it or not, because your parents do everything for you when it comes to food. 

I feel like I'm stuck because I haven't been able to feed myself healthily for over a year now so I've sort of forgotten how to do it. Whenever my parents let me do something with food, I end up losing weight, not intentionally but just because that has become my default to find something with less calories...I sometimes wish I had followed a different method which gave me a meal plan that I had to follow myself, because it would mean that it was my choice and I was doing it for my health, whereas with maudsley it feels like nobody trusts me to be a proper person and so they think they have to control everything. 

The hospital where I was admitted have started a day patient program in the children's section but it's for 16 and under, and I'm 17 in a few weeks. The doctor said it might be something I would have to do but I don't want to. I think I'd rather be fat than make my family travel an hour every day to the hospital, but then my anorexia tells me that there's no way I could ever be fat because then there'd be no point to living because everyone would hate me...

But on the positive side, I went out with friends the other day and was able to choose a lunch that was substantial and I ate it all :) yay!