Day 13 - Have your struggles changed you? For better or worse? Why?

This question is actually really hard to answer. Not because what I've been going through hasn't changed me, because it has completely, but I'm not sure yet whether for better or worse.

I think that initially the restrictive, obsessive behaviours around food and life in general are negative changes, as well as the way I now see myself. These changes have made me a very anxious and sad person a lot of the time, and even though there are small windows of hope the bad days still heavily outweigh the good ones at the moment...

In saying that, I don't think that everything I have learnt about myself, others and life as a result of having anorexia is negative and I think that once I am fully recovered I will have an enthusiasm for and appreciation of things and people in life that others are not able to discover.

The past few months have also helped me to think about what I want to do in life, and at the moment I have a passion for helping people in similar situations to what I have gone through, such as being an adolescent specialist or psychiatrist. Although it's really hard to get into medecine and studying to be a doctor takes a lot of work and money, I believe that it will be 100% worth it if I help even one persons life to be better.

 As you may have read in previous posts, this week I have had to be putting on weight (I have 4 kilos to gain to be at minimum goal range) and I'm finding it pretty tough but I haven't minimised anything and this evening I ate my whole meal even though I thought it was way too big. 

Doesn't look that big on the plate but it's a massive plate and all potato and meat! 

This evening I've been quite down though, just can't seem to see any reason to continue. There's so much going on with school, and life, and relationships and sometimes it feels like it's all too much and hospital seems like a better option... I'm trying, I think I'll just sleep on it and hopefully wake up with fresh perspective. 

I don't want another 4 kilos 😢😢

New post will be up tomorrow, goodbye until then, and have a happy day. Remember, you are valuable and you are loved. If you genuinely think no one loves you, I promise to love you no matter how awful of a person you are. Just to end on a positive note haha 😃