Day 17 - What in your life has improved since you entered recovery?

As much as I want this post to be full of hope, enjoyment and positivity, the trust is that not that much has improved since I began recovery, apart from the health of my vital organs of course :P

Physically I am obviously a lot healthier, and I am grateful to the hospital (even for the naso-gastric tube feeding) for getting me to a higher weight in a short amount of time to get me out of serious danger. 

The amount of food I am eating is also more than when I first entered recovery, which I guess is an improvement as well.

Apart from that, there hasn't been much that has improved...

Because neither me or my parents knew what was going on until I was taken into emergency (although they did have some idea, which is why they took me to the doctors. I just didn't think I was that thin and so didn't think they would notice anything was wrong. I thought I was just being healthy, even though it was pretty obvious my weight was way under healthy. The fact that my periods had stopped I put down to doing a lot of exercise, I didn't even know weight affected that), my relationship with them wasn't really strained at all before but has become increasingly so. This could be for a number of reasons. Firstly, I am sick of them controlling my food, they are sick of controlling my food, they are sick of anorexia taking over me and so am I but sometimes they get frustrated at why I can't just see that it's so bad and give it up and not care, though they do know how hard it is now.

Another thing that has gotten worse is my self-esteem. I have always felt like I was never good enough, and anorexia was my way of making sure I was good enough at something I think (now that I have had time to reflect and think about how it all started). Anyway, now heaps of people know I have had a "mental illness" and being anorexia makes it so much worse considering the stigma surrounding it. People that haven't gone through it or known someone with it personally often can't understand (not a bad thing just a fact) the impact it has and how it's not just a desire to be skinny or something you choose to want to have. People knowing has made me heaps self conscious about what they are thinking about me, especially my cousins and stuff who were such close friends but I feel like they feel betrayed in some way... 

Oh, I just remembered more good things! I am no longer anywhere near as cold as I was, my bum doesn't hurt anymore when I sit down, I don't feel so tired all the time, my face is brighter, my hair is thicker and my boobs are bigger :) just a shame all those things come with increased fat... That's probably what they mean when they say all good things come at a price haha 

^oh look, it's JB! On my trip to Madame Tussaud's