Day 11 - What motivated you to enter recovery?

I didn't actually have a choice to begin recovery... I was at a really low weight and mum was getting worried (although I couldn't see why) that my health was being affected so she took me to the doctor to "check my iron levels", when I think she really wanted to show the doctor subtly how skinny I was. 

The doctor checked my heart rate and two days later urgently called my mum because my heart rate was very low. I went straight to hospital from school and didn't go home again for over a month. I think my heart rate overnight dropped to 34bpm, compared to the minimum normal which is 60bpm.

 

So while in hospital I was tube fed on too of eating a massive meal plan and I put on 11 kilos, which is a lot in just over 5 weeks. After coming out of hospital I lost a bit of weight and started therapy, as well as having visits to the hospital every week/fortnight/month depending on how my weight is going. 

I guess the maudsley method which is what the hospital program is, doesn't really allow a choice when it comes to recovery, you must put on weight and go to therapy whether you like it or not, because your parents do everything for you when it comes to food. 

I feel like I'm stuck because I haven't been able to feed myself healthily for over a year now so I've sort of forgotten how to do it. Whenever my parents let me do something with food, I end up losing weight, not intentionally but just because that has become my default to find something with less calories...I sometimes wish I had followed a different method which gave me a meal plan that I had to follow myself, because it would mean that it was my choice and I was doing it for my health, whereas with maudsley it feels like nobody trusts me to be a proper person and so they think they have to control everything. 

The hospital where I was admitted have started a day patient program in the children's section but it's for 16 and under, and I'm 17 in a few weeks. The doctor said it might be something I would have to do but I don't want to. I think I'd rather be fat than make my family travel an hour every day to the hospital, but then my anorexia tells me that there's no way I could ever be fat because then there'd be no point to living because everyone would hate me...

But on the positive side, I went out with friends the other day and was able to choose a lunch that was substantial and I ate it all :) yay!