On one hand, I feel so guilty for making my family live like this and I just wish I could die so that their lives could go back to normal. But then I feel so guilty because I know me dying would be horrible for my family so pretty much I have no option but to feel guilty because I want to please people so much.
On the other hand I can sometimes be pretty selfish. Even though it is extremely hard to fight back and there are times when I can't cope even if I want to, there are other times where I just want to do what anorexia says because it's easier and then the voices in my head give me a break. Although I don't think about it at the time I know by doing this it is hurting a lot of other people, but sometimes all my head is filled with is food so it's almost like my conscience has been half removed.
I think I want to recover most of the time. But it feels like the only option for me is to recover to fatness. Either be skinny and not have a life (kids etc), or be fat and always feel worthless. Mum says I hae to just keep believing that I won't always feel so bad about myself but it's really hard when it's attacking you all the time...
This was my chicken and cottage cheese pizza today which was yum :)
And it was super warm weather today which was nice. I sat outside and did schoolwork while soaking up the sun
It was lasagne for dinner. For the first time I didn't complain about the portion size which was a good thing I guess, though it didn't feel good. I was paranoid that although she said she did wholemeal in the one we were having that she accidentally swapped it with the white one we're giving to some friends who are going through a rough time at the moment. :(
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