Day 15 - When you are triggered, what do you tell yourself to calm down?

I just wrote pretty much the whole thing I was going to post before but because I went out of the blogger app it didn't save and now I have to start all over again :( 

So here we go... How do I calm myself down when I am triggered. 

Well, to tell you the truth, when I am triggered, it usually escalates very quickly to the point where all rational desire to want to calm myself down has gone out the window and instead I just want to smash something (which I have on more than one occasion.....it makes me feel sad to know that i was so take over by the anorexia I would hurt people and smash things but I can't take it back so I guess the only thing I can do is show how sorry I am) 

Often the only thing that gives me some comfort and calmness is by telling myself the reasons why recovering is better, such as:

- I need to eat to be healthy (period back etc)

- I need to eat so I can make healthy food decisions by myself

- I need to eat so that mum and dad don't have to travel an hour every day to a day patient program

- I need to eat because I don't want my family to be sad about me anymore

- I need to eat because I want my siblings to have a life where their relationship with me and mum and dad isn't limited and they don't feel pushed aside

- I need to eat so that I can live my life independently with friends and not be worried every time I go out or have to eat something.

The only problem with all these affirmations is that they often have little effect in the moment of upset because I can't see any way out and I don't care about my family because they are the ones "hurting me and ruining my life" and I "hate" them (which sounds horrible to me now but at the time it just all comes rushing out and I hardly even think about what I'm saying or doing. The only thing I can think about is how food will make everything worse and how my parents are the ones making me eat it...

Anyway, other things I find have a calming effect are:

1. Listening to music

2. Watching a really funny youtube clip

3. Watching a really sad youtube clip about someone who has it much harder than me... Although sometimes this one just makes me feel more bad about myself so then I don't want to eat. Depends on the day...

4. Reading a book

5. Having a nice hot shower

6. Watching a chick flick

7. Playing a game with my siblings

8. Doing chores or homework (sounds crazy right, but it is actually a good way to take your mind off things.)

My last point is actually quite interesting. I find that during the school term I tend to not lose as much because there is routine with what I have to eat and I also have a lot of school things to think about which means there's less headspace for anorexia. However, the holidays being a lot of anxiety about the unknown which in turn leads to restriction and weight loss, and the anorexia thought party goes wild 🎉😒

Well, I'm actually proud of how long this post was! :) I really will be trying to post more often, maybe aim for 2-3 posts a day. Please of you have any suggestions of topics comment below. 

Mum let me make dinner the other night (with her instruction) which was really trusting of her and I put all the right amounts in. Take that Ana 👊

Selfie of the day ;P time for bed after my hair dries, but right now it's time for some bad reality tv watching!